Lisa’s (Old) Place

“You used to be so…  audacious”, Justin said.

Bernice: My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life, but…I think he’s wrong. I think my mom’s right. She says childhood…
Birdee: …is what you spend the REST of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma used to say. She said beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up…and it will too.

I’m reminded of these quotes today, from one of my favourite movies (guess which one).

This is because when people say, “We may be able to work out a way for you to visit England.  It might do you good to get away”, you think twice about whether a flight that long or out of the US would be scarey.  

Or when your mother suggests parasailing, you cannot overcome your fear of heights enough to even fathom the idea.     Ok, this might frighten a lot of people, but how can you overcome fear if you don’t face it?

Or your dad wants you to try canoeing (umm… is this actually in the ocean?), you’re just not sure.  (I CAN swim, yes?)

I realise I’m a cancer/moonchild/crab, but do I actually ever come out of my shell?    (she says in a rather irritated tone)

I’m also reminded of this, a poem that I love, and wonder..  will my strength recover?   Of course, I have had strength, and still do.   I am stronger now than I know or give myself credit for.   I have done things I thought I would never do (not necessarily good or bad things… but things which needed doing).   This is something, at least.   Keep going..

If I cannot be even slightly audacious, I may as well go back in the “box” I’ve been in and close the lid.    I don’t like the box, actually.     I am not being hard on myself.   I am just recognising that being fearful of everything is not healthy.

I need to start remembering this is not a dressed rehearsal.

This was painted by my paternal grandmother in 1988. She started a project with her grandchildren that year, beginning with the oldest.. me. We got to pick what we wanted her to paint.

Someday, maybe I’ll do this, too. I like art, and taking a painting class might be fun.

This was the first day in a long time I felt “normal”.    Normal me feels happy and in control of at least one part of my life.    Normal me isn’t wrought with worry or having panic attacks on a regular basis.

So I did without all of the negative crap today.    I even stood up for my opinion to a couple of people and made progress doing it.    It wasn’t pleasant, but I got through it.   I wanted to err on the side of anger.. but I stopped to let logic (ok, and some irritation) guide me  instead.     And it seemed to work reasonably well.   Still, quiet “I don’t like to disturb the peace” me is not entirely proud of myself, yet sometimes you just cannot go along with the flow just to keep the peace.   It keeps things nice for everyone else, but not for me.   

“Real me” is starting to come out (it’s a slow process, I think).    This is the side of me that doesn’t say “yes” to please people when I really want to say “no”, or “you know… that just doesn’t make sense to me, and this is why”.    And it’s good to have people actually “buy-in” to my reasoning and accept it a little.

I had no idea Ambien could make you so doped up.   If you take Ambien or Lunesta, try a little experiement.   Take a pill, then 5 minutes later, start writing an email.   Try to pick a recipient who can take a joke.   You’ll SO appreciate it for reasons you are about to find out.  

The goal is to write at least 4 or 5 paragraphs.  Don’t bother checking it over for content or punctuation.  You can’t really see anyway.   OR, what you can do is pretend you actually *are* coherent, and go back to add additional text.   It’s ok to put 10 or 15 “r’s” in one word.   And, you know what?   The equal sign *may* actually be a part of the alphabet.  

When you wake up later, just long enough to realise you’ve not sent your email yet, go ahead and send it.  

In fact, send it twice.

The next day, your recipient will tell you it’s quite alright; some words do seem to require an equal sign here and there.   There may even be something to this “Ambien vocabulary”.   

I’ve never laughed so hard in my life!  

No, really.

I was attempting (unsuccessfully) to open my Gmail via Internet Explorer, and happened upon my link to Zen Habits via my iGoogle page.    I found a wonderful idea involving recording gratitude.   I thought to myself, “What a fine idea, considering I’ve been kind of out of it lately.”

The recording of gratitude doesn’t just involve my short-list, but also yours.   Feel free to pitch in.

I am grateful for:

1.   My family and friends who have been doing everything humanly possible to keep me sane (reasonably, anyway) during the last several months.    You’re doing a great job.   Someday I hope to repay you for the many gifts you’ve given me.

2.  My job.   Even though you’re a frustrating pain in the arse, I do get paid to do a job that is mostly rewarding and making a difference in many ways.   Friday, I solved a couple of issues I wasn’t sure about, but it all worked out anyway.

3.  A roof over my head.   Some people are not lucky enough to have a roof or a place to call home.

4. My sanity, even though I wonder about it sometimes lately (stress does that).   Hey, if I lose it, then there’s several less things for me to worry about.  The nice people in white coats will deliver my meals and make sure I get enough sleep. 

5. Love… receiving it, feeling it, and giving it back.

What are you grateful for?

I am baking banana bread.   There is a secret to having moist banana bread.  It requires applesauce.   Don’t ask me how much… I just drop a glob of it in.   

I’ve forgotten how good it smells.

TLK and I made this a project.  She thinks we should enter a contest of some sort.